I struggle to ask for what I need. Often, all I need is clarity, but I always feel an instant of guilt for the space and the resources my existence requires – as if somehow, I have yet to be worthy of either. Sometimes that feeling is gone in a breath, but other times it lingers under my tongue, flavoring every word before it leaves my mouth.
I don’t know, man. I just want to be a force of good and lately all I’ve felt is… halved. Confused. Lonely.
Sometimes I wonder how that could be. I think I accidentally stepped out of time years and years ago, and it’s dragged on without me in it. Maybe this is mental illness. Or maybe, even more terrifying – this is how everyone feels all the time.
Here’s a list of questions I have right now, in no particular order. Please help.
- Can someone who has lived abroad/traveled for longer than a month at a time help me with my trip to Europe? I don’t know where to begin.
- Does anyone have any trusted friends/family in Europe with whom I could connect while I’m over there next year? I’d prefer to know people, so I’m casting my net.
- Is there anyone willing to be platonic cuddle buddies? My heart is too occupied for anything else, but I want to feel cared for.
- Does anyone have any good book recommendations? I need to get lost somewhere.
- How do you make your commute more entertaining? The time I spend alone in my car is getting absurd.
- Chronically ill people, how do you make changes in your life without wiping yourself out? I still don’t know how to operate a sick body.
- What can I do differently to be seen and understood? I love this blog space, but I have had people use my words like weapons against me and it makes me so tired.
- What’s the best moment in your routine? I need some more goodness in my day.
- What makes you feel the most whole?